We all have been around the block a few times (or a few thousand times). That will be a good thing for your dating future if you gain wisdom and insight from where you have been.
Learn from your past
“Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”
What worked? Why did it work?
I could probably have a good time with just about anyone if I was sitting on a beautiful beach getting a little hazy on pina coladas, but those kind of times don’t define relationships that work. Relationships that work do it day in day out through the sun and the rain. Good relationships make the hard stuff more bearable and the good stuff more fun. Who has done that for you? What was it about them that made it happen?
What didn’t work? Why didn’t it work?
Flip the coin over and consider what was messed up about parts of your experiences with past partners. Try to be as specific as possible. Merely concluding the other person was a jerk doesn’t help you much. Maybe that person was self-absorbed and had very little interest in your well-being. Maybe you want a more intimate relationship than you would have settled for in the past? Maybe just the opposite?
Stay in the present on first dates
Your past is a big part of who you are today, but keep in mind that dating for long-term relationships is acted out in the present with some focus on the future. You will eventually need to know each other’s past to know what to expect from each other, but work into that gradually, particularly with past relationships. Focus on the present experience of your date. Observe, and know you are being observed. Enjoy the time together as best you can. Some people fall easily into griping about past relationships. Eek! Please don’t, and don’t encourage your date to do so. Stay present and positive to develop the expectation that the future is bright.
No one knows you as well as you know yourself (presuming basic mental health). You know where you’ve been, what you’ve done, how you feel about things, what you dream about, etc. Yet, we all find it challenging to classify ourselves into personality types with confidence.
As you get involved in the dating game there are definite benefits to knowing generally what kind of person you are.
Know what you are offering
Not everyone wants the same things from a mate. Haven’t you noticed that with some happy couples one is a talker and the other tends to be less talkative. The less talkative one probably likes it that the talker brings that to the table. Do you like to touch? Listen? Debate? Cook?
Know what you want
Do you want someone to exercise with you? Or to leave you alone while you exercise? How much time do you want to be alone, with your mate, or with friends? Do you want your mate to structure your vacations for you? Do you want to do it? Do you like unstructured vacations?
How to learn about yourself
Sorry, but while introspection is helpful, it will rarely give you a clear picture of yourself. We all have biases about ourselves that make it difficult to see ourselves. You are trying to get past that cloudy thinking, not accentuate it.
Counseling can be a great way to learn about yourself. Sure, it takes time and money, but a good counselor (not one who just tells you what feels good) can open your eyes to see yourself in amazing ways.
An easy way to start seeing yourself better is personality test like the Myers-Briggs 16 personality types. Google “personality test” and you will find a bunch. Some folks like the Enneagram personality typing scheme. Look for yourself.
Don’t be Afraid to See Yourself
You are who you are, warts and all. You are an amazing product of nature and nurture; a complex, wonderful human being. The more you know about yourself, the more you can appreciate yourself.
Words not to use in your Dating Profile or on your first date.
After that, have at it!
Apodyopsis – The act of mentally undressing someone.
Basorexia – A strong urge to kiss someone.
Concinnous – Neat and eloquent.
Crapulous – Relating to drunkenness or drinking of alcohol.
Cryptaesthesia – A supernormal perception such as telepathy or clairvoyance.
Deipnosophist – A master at the art of dining or a good conversationalist at meals.
Deuterogamist – Someone who marries for a second time.
Echopraxia – When you mimic the moves of others whether consciously or unconsciously (i.e. yawning).
Epithymy – Desire, Lust. Not to be confused with epiphany.
Expergefaction – Waking up.
Fladge – Pornographic literature.
Hippopotomonstrosequippedaliophobia – The fear of long words.
Illecebrous – Pretty, Attractive, Alluring.
Kyriolexy – Speaking literally.
Nudiustertian – The day before yesterday.
Partouse – Slang for orgy. (Do you partake in partouse?)
Psilosopher – A person with a petty or shallow philosophy.
Quaintrelle – A well-dressed woman.
Rhathymia – Being cheerful, merry and optimistic.
Scaramouche – A cowardly buffoon (as in “will you do the fandango” – Queen)
Semiopathy – The tendency to read humorously inappropriate meanings into signs. Example: Wet Paint (so the person tosses water on it).
Sermocination – An irritating rhetorical device where a speaker asks a question and then immediately answers it himself!
Sprachgefuhl – A sensitivity to what is correct as far as a language is concerned. (guilty)
Typhlobasia – Kissing with the eyes closed.
Tyrotoxism – To be poisoned by cheese.
Ustulation – Burning as in a powerful sexual desire; a lustful passion.
Wabbit – (Scottish) Exhausted or slightly unwell. (Elmer Fudd) Bugs Bunny
Wifthing – (obsolete) Sexual intercourse or a wedding (there’s more to this “wife thing” these days)
Ziraleet – A joyful chant uttered by a group of women in Muslim countries
We invite you to submit a paragraph that includes all (or many of) these words. You will be judged on your concinnity, but we promise to suppress our spachgefuhl. Ustulating fladge might not be postable (but go ahead and send it). If you can do it in alphabetical order, we will arrange a ziraleet!
Spellcheck didn’t recognize any of these words except Wabbit. Thank you Elmer!