We all have been around the block a few times (or a few thousand times).  That will be a good thing for your dating future if you gain wisdom and insight from where you have been.

Learn from your past
“Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”
George Santayana

pina-colada-yolo-rum-beachWhat worked? Why did it work?
I could probably have a good time with just about anyone if I was sitting on a beautiful beach getting a little hazy on pina coladas, but those kind of times don’t define relationships that work. Relationships that work do it day in day out through the sun and the rain. Good relationships make the hard stuff more bearable and the good stuff more fun. Who has done that for you? What was it about them that made it happen?

What didn’t work? Why didn’t it work?
Flip the coin over and consider what was messed up about parts of your experiences with past partners.  Try to be as specific as possible.  Merely concluding the other person was a jerk doesn’t help you much.  Maybe that person was self-absorbed and had very little interest in your well-being.  Maybe you want a more intimate relationship than you would have settled for in the past?  Maybe just the opposite?

bright futureStay in the present on first dates
Your past is a big part of who you are today, but keep in mind that dating for long-term relationships is acted out in the present with some focus on the future. You will eventually need to know each other’s past to know what to expect from each other, but work into that gradually, particularly with past relationships.  Focus on the present experience of your date. Observe, and know you are being observed. Enjoy the time together as best you can.  Some people fall easily into griping about past relationships.  Eek! Please don’t, and don’t encourage your date to do so.  Stay present and positive to develop the expectation that the future is bright.

You would think that the number one “Deal Breaker” for dating would be something that we can’t easily control, but that is not the case. You might think it is something people commonly lie about in their online profiles, but that is not the case.

Messy

Messy  Sloppy  Dirty  Disheveled  Grubby  Grimy  Unclean  Soiled  Stained  Smelly  Unsightly  Bedraggled
Bad personal appearance, messy car, and cluttered home are cited as the number one dating turnoffs.  Both men and women do it, and both men and women are turned off by it.

Why so messy?
Everyone knows being sloppy will hurt their chances, but people do it anyway. Dates show up unbathed (and smelly).  Dates wear obviously dirty clothes. Cars have piles of trash from years of accumulation.  If you want to lose at the dating game, being a slob is a fine game plan.  It’s proven to turn off dates.

Do the work – Get the rewards
Anyone can be clean. It just takes a little effort. Forget the excuses.  Everyone knows that being messy just means you aren’t willing to make the effort, and that unwillingness is a strong statement of disrespect for your date.  We are sensual creatures. We are attracted or repelled by what our senses encounter.  Make your sights, sounds, and smells attractive on your dates. (You may then be able to offer touch and taste later)

“He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.”    Benjamin Franklin

People clean up wellsharp-dressed
It’s amazing how much better people can look when they try! Nice clean clothes, a haircut and a reasonable amount of grooming go a looooooong way.  Ever had an old car detailed?  It will amaze you how nice an old car can look. Good posture? Why not.

“Accept me the way I am” is nonsense
We’ve heard people say they don’t think they should appear different on a date than they normally appear. That logic is flawed. There are only two conclusions to be had from that approach:  1) the date is not a significant event that requires special effort or 2) this is the absolute best the person can do.  People usually shave, bathe, and put on nice clothes for a wedding or job interview.  Why not for a date?  Telling your dates that they are unimportant won’t help you.

Packaging
One of the reasons Apple is the most valuable company in the world is their great packaging.  Their gear looks cool. Other companies have learned that too.  Appearances matter.   Ever noticed how much effort goes into a perfume bottle?  Champagne labels?

Number Two Deal Breaker?
Laziness!  Are you seeing a pattern?

Hi, I’m a lazy slob.  What about a second date?

On paper with a postage stamp?  Sure.  It’s a bold statement in this digital world that will hopefully be read and re-read for a lifetime.  There are also modern ways of delivering your well composed love words that we encourage. Not by text messages please. You want permanence and an appropriate level of dignity.  Email works acceptably.  It’s supposed to be a big deal. Make it so.

Love-LettersExpressing Your Love
The essential, and preferably only, topic of a love letter is informing your love interest about the qualities of your love for him or her.  It’s surely not about asking to be loved. Don’t water it down with relatively trivial topics that are off subject. Don’t, for heaven’s sake, go on for pages and pages. Get to the point, stay on point, and don’t dull the point.

A love letter is intensely personal. Make it about the uniqueness of your love.  A letter that says only “I Love You!” is way better than nothing, but you can do so much better.  Think about your letter being re-read ten years hence.  Will it evoke deep emotions, maybe a tear or two?

This is the time to use lots of pronouns like “I” and “me” and “my” in your expression. You know, the old “I feel xyz whenever I think of you.”  Does your heart skip a beat when …. ?  Say so.  Remember, it’s about you and your love that you want the other to know about and, with great expectations, cherish.

Be Brave
It’s not easy to go out on a limb and express something as important as your love. You are vulnerable when you send a love letter. True. Yet, the wonderful advantage of a love letter is the separation between you and your love interest. When you are face to face you don’t get to re-write what you just said, and an immediate response always happens (even if it is silence……………………).  It’s easier to get a love letter right (if you take the time).  A letter also allows the receiver time to absorb the powerful content and respond appropriately.

Be Smart
Timing is important.  It’s hard to imagine circumstances when a love letter would be appropriate after only a first date – no matter how smitten you are.  A love letter expresses true love, and true love doesn’t actually happen at first sight (or sometimes even first site).

signalsReceptivity is important.  Don’t throw your fastball when the catcher is not ready. Be observant.  Is your love interest giving you the signals that call for your pitch?

Re view you’re righting so u dont loook dum
Typos and bad grammar detract so much that your love letter’s powerful impact may turn out to be negative. Everyone goofs up, but a love letter is something really important to you. So, take the time to get it right. Also, pick your words carefully, be as elegant as fits your character, but always use your words that come from your heart. Read what you have written as if you were in the shoes of the recipient. Will the sentiment be taken in the way you meant it? In other words, are you communicating well?

An example; I (Rich) once responded to a suggestion from Rose by writing “Yeah Yeah Yeah.”  I was trying to communicate that I had great enthusiasm, but what Rose received was “whatever.”  “Yes! Yes! Yes!” would have worked so much better.

If it takes emoticons to convey your feelings, you need to work on your words.  OMG, does it have to be said that you must use whole words, not decontented texting acronyms?

Don’t rush to send it. Sleep on it. Do a rewrite when you are in a different mood.  Make it a sparkling gem, simple yet dazzling. Enjoy the process. It’s wonderful to feel love. Revel in it. Then share it!

“Love can be expressed in a myriad of different methods, but the most timeless and most treasured will always remain the classic love letter.”    Auliq Ice

Check out the Modern Guide to Love Letters on our resources page.

We highly recommend honesty in relationships.  Honesty works.   Dishonesty doesn’t.  Yet, that doesn’t mean you need to tell everything about yourself in your profile or on your first date.

Disclosure is a gradual process
If you are dating online, you don’t want to say too much about yourself that might let potential matches find a reason (often irrational) not to contact you.  You want to focus on the enticing bits and leave the rest off.

The same is true for first dates.  Volunteer only what you think is appropriate.  What if your date asks a direct question about a subject that you deem too personal for that stage of your relationship?  You can artfully suggest that the subject is better opened when you know each other better.  Use a little of the “Wouldn’t you like to know” treatment.  Leave ’em wanting more.

Information-Overload1But don’t be invisible
Of course, you don’t want to play so hard-to-get that you will never be gotten. A profile that says nothing and a first date where you remain a blank canvas probably won’t entice anyone.
Be intriguing!
Hoping this isn’t inappropriate, but imagine the old time burlesque “artist” (who may not have actually exposed much of anything) getting the crowd all worked up by just removing her gloves.  The excitement was in the anticipation from the slow reveal.